Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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