I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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