based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I didn't notice because vodka
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
