Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
