do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I wear drunk well.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
