I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
