Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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