you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
