I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
