My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
