sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
the liver wants what the liver wants
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
