she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
