I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
