I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
