I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
