Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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