alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Let's get the cat blown out
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
