They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
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Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
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Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize