barbara walters just said penis...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry about my life...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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