well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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