1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
