i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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