I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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