New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
