What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
