I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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