...so i touched it.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
