I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
