My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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