very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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