I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
