Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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