I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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