Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You made out with two different species that night
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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