You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
