yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
