I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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