I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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