i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
