Just fell off a train. Bad.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
