the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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