I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
