i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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