you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
