I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
