I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
