he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
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The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
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YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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