did you get engaged???
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
