Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
