There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
