What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
