Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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