I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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