apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
