just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
