Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
